Self control is not about suppressing (or depressing) feelings. It is not about becoming the stoical unflinching Englishman. Self control is about deciding how to respond and being consistent. It is about choice.
What do I mean when I say “myself”?
I have thought a lot about this question. I used to think that I was my brain. Now I realise that the body is important and if we don’t look after it the brain is useless. I have also realised that I can control my brain – my thought patterns - and change them for the better. I can also control the amount of thought that is going on. I can calm my brain right down, not all the time but I am learning! This leaves me in a quandary. If I can control my body and my mind what am I?
Certainly I consist of lots of complicated cause and effect relationships working together to a common objective - to survive and thrive. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am a system.
If I were to break myself down into my constituent parts I would find lots of subsystems; systems of movement and control; a digestive and waste ejection system; a communication system; a reproductive system and so on. Each of these systems in isolation is not me. Only when these systems are connected and aligned to the common objective of keeping me alive do I exist.
It is the same when I become a subsystem of a larger system eg my family. This system will only become more than the sum of its parts when there is connection and alignment to common objectives. To improve a system we must seek to strengthen the connections and the alignment.