For me this question goes to the heart of a fundamental difference in philosophy amongst riders:
Do you seek to control or to influence, to dominate or to understand, to instruct or to communicate?
Do you see the aids as a means of communicating and connecting or as a means of control?
Do you see riding as an ability to stay on a horse and have the horse do what you want, or do you want to feel that the horse wants to do these things for you of his own free will?
Do you see your horse as your partner or as your servant?
Do you want him simply to do as he is told or do you want him to be involved in choices and able to express himself?
Do you look forward to schooling sessions as an interesting conversation with a good friend (win/win – you both come out feeling good) or do you seek obedience at any price (win/lose – only one of you feels good)?
Do you see yourself as your horse’s teacher, his trainer, his best friend, his dancing partner, his sugar mummy?
Do you want what’s best for him now or best for his long-term future?
One trainer I worked with (very briefly) explained his belief that it was important to see the horse as an enemy. Why? The more you hate him the better you will be able to do “the necessary”. What is “the necessary” I hear you ask? Example one: Lean backwards on draw reins. Example two: lunge in tight side reins with random attempts to pull the horse over. Why? To disrupt his balance so he will look to the reins for support! At this point I very nearly gave up riding.
My work as a management consultant leads me to believe that the core components of effectiveness in people are –
Understanding (knowing what to do)
Skills/abilities (knowing how to do it) and
Motivation (knowing why to do it).
I believe that the most important of these is motivation. There can be high levels of “talent” (skills/abilities) but without the desire to use this we have nothing.
I think it is the same for all beings including horses. I think that what we riders are talking about when we use the terms control, obedience, acceptance and submission are in fact different levels of motivation. The highest level of motivation is passion. I want my horse to feel passionate about his work. Words like acceptance, obedience, tolerance and submission feel out of place in this context.
Why do I do dressage? For me the answer is for sheer joy and harmony. What do I mean by this? Exquisite moments of bliss where the whole has become more than the sum of the parts; where I feel as light as a feather; where the horse just senses what I want and responds effortlessly; a feeling of total connection to the horse, to myself, to life. It is a heavenly experience. At the base of this is a deep and meaningful relationship with my horse – one of mutual trust and respect – dare I say love? Together we become something more than either of us can be separately.
I’ve learnt from my survey that many others feel the same. I asked, how do you feel (in your mind and your body) when you are riding at your best? Here are some of the responses:
Euphoric! Like I am weightless and am floating.
Happy.
Joyful, and humble, I guess. My body feels powerful. The same way I guess a lot of people feel riding fast on a motorbike.
Effortless and supple.
Comfortable, calm, confident, controlled.
On top of the world!…everything flows as if by magic.
This is what happens when we have truly united with our horse. The whole has become more than the sum of the parts. It is effortless and sustainable. We have achieved total mind/body balance in movement. We have achieved so-called self-carriage, of mind and body.
How do you feel when you ride at your best? Have you felt the feeling I describe? Do you believe such a feeling is achievable for you?
To ride in this way we have to inhibit the human need to control and dominate and develop a trusting partnership of mutual understanding and forgiveness.
Why? In part because “control” is unachievable and therefore unrealistic. I know that I cannot control my horse. However, I do seek to influence him. I know that I can and do influence every thinking and feeling being that I come into contact with – whether I want to or not and whether I like it or not. And you do too!
Knowing this means that I have to take responsibility for the impact of my choices and actions…and this, in turn, means that I have to control myself. After all, the only living being I can truly control is myself. The secret of why I do dressage is that I discover and develop myself. I develop my mind and my body as they are the tools through which I can influence my relationship with my horse.
Which leads me to…the truth about control.
If you can’t control yourself…you try to control your environment and those around you (including your horse). The more you are able to control yourself…the less you will feel the need to control your environment and those around you (including your horse).
“What do you mean control?” I hear you say. I am in control! But are you really? When confronted with a stimulus, do you think, consider all the options and choose before you respond. Or do you just respond?
By responding we give up our opportunity to choose. Responding is habitual and it shows a lack of self awareness and self control. There is always the opportunity to change this. But we have to really want to.
Influence requires contact. But that contact need not be physical. As a human being, I can influence another human being with words (spoken or written, face to face or mail/phone), with pictures (drawings, paintings, illustrations,photographs, films), with music, with verbal tones, with facial expressions, with body language, with touch, with actions, with behaviours.
We can sometimes develop a feeling of understanding with another human being such that we can read the other person because we know them so well. I can think of certain work colleagues where this has happened for me. We worked closely together for so long and understood each other perfectly. Communication becomes seemingly “telepathic”. Others marvel at it and think it to be accidental. Those involved know there is no accident – only time and understanding …good partnerships have to be worked at.
It is the same with a horse. We have to think about how we can influence him and develop our own personal communication system. A level of knowing that transcends the obvious.
Good communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. Stephen Covey, in his oft-quoted book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” (2), states that good communication starts with listening. This means understanding the other person, before seeking to be understood yourself. I agree but would add that first we should seek to understand ourselves, then understand others, then seek to be understood.
Do you understand yourself?
I certainly didn’t. I reached the age of 40 and probably knew more about business than about myself! At 41 I fell off the edge of the cliff in my mind. I wanted to physically fall off the edge of a cliff too but didn’t have the guts.
I have thought a lot about what happened to me and how it happened, and have used the techniques I previously used to understand businesses on my own behaviour patterns and myself. It has been very revealing. Only by understanding myself can I start to influence myself more positively to achieve self-control.